Ghosts? Well I've never actually seen one unless you want to count in movies and all. From movies I know there are representations of good ones, not so good ones, bad ones, and just plain out evil ones. I'm not so keen on the plain out evil ones they are a bit creepy.
Wait guess that's not really answering the question is it? Do I believe in them? Yeah sure, there's so much out there kind of selfish to think we as humans are the only thing here besides animals, plants, and bugs right?
I'd like to think they do exist and that when friends and family pass on they are still walking around. Hey wait that's probably wrong to say because isn't it that ghosts are spirits that have some unfinished business and can't cross over? If that's the case I hope none of my friends become ghosts.
Okay now I have to say I do believe in ghosts, I talked to one, April so yes, I do believe in ghosts but just feel sad for them because they can't rest.
Remnants of film littered the floor of the loft as Mark Cohen tried working on his latest film. He felt more like he was fighting with it then making it, and if he was fighting the film was winning. He just couldn't seem to make it fit together right and it was aiming to drive him insane. It was as if it was mocking him, he'd get to a he thought he was finally getting somewhere and something would happen. He felt like he was losing his talent for film making, a talent he was beginning to believe he never had now.
It should have been easy for him but it just seemed that this movie didn't want to be made. The movie was winning, he locked himself up in a room making Maureen worry a bit. Even Roger stopped by to get his friend to come out of his hiding. Nothing worked to get him out of that room. He came out to eat sometimes and to sleep every now and then. Then it happened, he came out and looked around and went and sat at the table. He was done, and Mark Cohen had won and defeated his own movie. He showed it to his friends later that night.
So many things keep me up at night. I don't sleep much but I never say anything to anyone, maybe Maureen knows.
I think about my friends and family and losing any one of them. We've become such a tight knit group that to lose one would be like losing part of myself. I wish at times I could do something important like find a cure for disease so that my friends would never have to worry. So they could just live happy long lives like each one of them deserve. But all I can do is keep them in my thoughts and pray and hope. Hope that Collins and Angel get to grow old and die together, that get to see all the important milestones in Tobias and Juliette's lives. Their first day of school, graduating high school, watching them go on to college, college graduation, to be there when they meet someone and decide they want to spend the rest of their lives with them. I pray Collins is there to walk Juliette down the ilse, that both are there to see their children marry and start a new life. I hope they get to enjoy being grandparents and spoil their grandchildren like I know they will.
For Mimi and Roger to get married and have long happy lives together, maybe start a family any way they wish. Roger to always be able to write a song and Mimi to do whatever she wants. For both to never have that nagging feeling "what if today is the last?" and just be able to wake up every morning without a worry. To survive and be strong.
For Chase to be able to continue to fight his past and to not succumb to his former addictions. To not let what someone else did to him always haunt him and break him down just as he rises above it. To live to see the same things I want for Collins and Angel to see in his children. To see all three of them achieve their dreams and start families of their own. For him to do well in college and get that degree he wants. For him to never lose his music.
For myself and Maureen to be the best parents we can so Angelus grows up into a strong kind man yet not one to take shit from anyone.
This is what keeps me up at night hope for long happy futures for myself and for those I love as my family.
I've always been a monogamous guy by nature, you know the whole one person for one person spiel. Though that has usually come back to bite me in the ass. Guess I always chose the wrong person, or it just wasn't the right time. I've been lied to, I've been cheated on, and I've just been plain dumped for other people. Love was just a concept after awhile, something for me to record in the lives of others. For myself? I had just said fuck it and given up after Maureen I just didn't feel like putting myself through it again. I just didn't see the point in it at all.
Then I guess Maureen had an epiphany or something and she wanted to try, I admit at first I was skeptical and unwilling to give it another try, I just didn't want to be hurt again. Then Angel came and talked to me, made me realize things. Gave me a different view of the situation.
What would we do without Angel sometimes huh? I relented and I gave Maureen the second chance she wanted, that I wanted. I could never hide the fact that I still loved her even though I could deny it when certain ex roommates *coughs* Collins *coughs* teased me about it. I'm not sure my 'Yeah right' came out too convincing but I didn't want to seem too vulnerable. I should have known Collins and Roger would see through that, I think Angel who I had just met at the time even saw through it. Though that little whipping thing, really Collins you could have been nicer! And to this day, I still have no clue what Angel said. Other languages ugh! I should start spouting Hebrew or something. Now here I am, married to Maureen, and with a newborn son. I'm a daddy!!! *coughs* Sorry And the best group of friends anyone could ever hope for. Life is good.
I was walking past an alleyway and a rock whistles past my head. I immediately turn to see who wanted my attention so badly they'd throw something at me. Not seeing anyone I furrow a brow and turn to keep walking shaking my head when another rock goes whistling past my head. Well at least whoever it was had bad aim or I'm pretty sure it'd hurt. I turn around again frowning not seeing anyone, now I'm getting kind of creeped out by all this. I turn again and start walking faster, any person would if rocks were flying at you and you couldn't see anyone.
I was just about to turn the corner when another rock whistles by and I turn quickly only to finally see who had been tormenting me. Who do I see then with a big smirk on their face? My own brother, yes James Cohen was throwing rocks at me. I asked him why and he shrugged and smirked saying he was bored. I also found out aim was pretty good since he wasn't aiming to hit me in the head. Just get it close enough to let me hear it and to freak me out. I glare at him and turn to go inside muttering soft.
He quips back "Idiot"
That goes on for awhile before he smirks and turns and leaves. I head inside then and shake my head chuckling. My brother could be an ass sometimes, but I loved him all the same. It was good to see him out of his moping stage and out enough to feel the need to try and annoy me.
Yes I have.
Very much so yes on that one.
Oh about nine months ago now.
Maureen and I had ran into each other at The Life. She was down and me being who I am just couldn't leave her so we sat and drank pretty much most of the night. We stumbled out of the life walking down the street. Then things got hazy then black. I don't even remember getting home to the loft, or anything that happened after leaving The Life.
I do know I woke up in my bed the next morning. I had no clothing on. I could tell someone had been in the bed beside me. I remember smelling Maureen's perfume on the pillow. I didn't remember anything, I still don't.
I just know because of that night, I'm going to be a father soon. Something that has me both nervous and excited. Fear and happiness mingling together.
Okay this is where the nerves begin kicking in. 6 days. or hell anywhere between now and 6 days. The baby will be here. I think I'm ready. maybe. god help me.
I'd be more inclined to agree with this saying, in my group of friends the majority of them have AIDS and could be gone at any moment. You'd think we'd all walk around worrying about it day and night, wondering if the next morning could never come for one of them. We don't simply because in this world the way it is now, I could be gone before any of them. To give into that fear would be like being dead already. Giving up and just waiting for something that may never come is a waste.
Instead Angel, Collins, Mimi, and Roger they live each day to the fullest they can, spending time with each other, and their friends. In not giving up they live, and that makes us all stronger. Make us appreciate each moment more. Every day we get with each other is a day better then the one before it, we don't dwell on the past, and we don't worry too much of the future. Living in the here and now with the strength of our friends, no my family. It's how I view them all as brothers and sisters, well obviously besides Maureen because we won't even think about that one.
Watching my four closest friends living with something that could devastate most people, gives me strength and hope that I can overcome anything. If they can do it, so can I, because just like they have me, I'd have them.